By Karen Zautyk
The population of the city of Bangor, Maine, is 33,039. At last count, the Bangor Police Department’s Facebook page had 177,277 followers. For this, you can thank Sgt. Tim Cotton, an apparently modest and self-effacing man who nevertheless has managed to turn the page into an internet sensation.
According to published reports, Cotton, the Bangor PD’s public information officer, took over the page in 2014, when it had about 9,300 likes. Since then, it has exploded, due to the sergeant’s unique sense of humor and writing style.
Cotton has been profiled on NPR and in the Washington Post and recently received an award from the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.
Cotton has also made a celebrity of a stuffed mallard (we think it’s a mallard) called the Duck of Justice (DOJ for short). The bird, which he rescued from a trash basket in the district attorney’s office, is the BPD’s mascot now. After it debuted on Facebook, people started arriving at police HQ asking to be photographed with it. So many humans have now handled the DOJ that it has taken a leave of absence, visiting a taxidermist for repairs. Word is that, upon its return, it will be confined to a plastic box. (Bah, Sgt. Cotton. Bah!)
Although Cotton covers a wide range of topics, I got hooked on the Bangor page primarily because of the sergeant’s version of their police blotter, which he headlines “Got Warrants?”
Last week, in a report on a fistfight, he noted that the fray occurred “in front of a downtown sushi joint — a place where the fish is so fresh that if you were also fish, you would ask it to dance and possibly try to meet its parents.”
Cotton’s report continued: “Officer Dan Perez arrived and it appeared to him that the fight was over. He saw a man running toward Union St. Perez is kind.
“He requested the man stop running and the man complied . . . walked up to Perez, turned around and presented his hands in the appropriate position for a comfortable handcuffing situation.
“This only happens in a police officer’s dreams. Usually right after the chief demands we accept the raise and forces us to take the weekends off from this point on. Like I said, in dreams.”
Cotton’s report on a shoplifting: “The man who stuffed one half-gallon of Lord Calvert Blended Canadian whiskey down his pants was easily spotted. A bottle that big tends to chafe the naughty bits unless you walk with the natural gait of a bowlegged contortionist. While we do not encourage the theft of talcum powder, we do suggest the use of such a product to ensure a smooth exit from the liquor aisle.”
Regarding another crime: “After being called to a car burglary in progress, Officer Tyler Rusby located a suspect in a nearby park. The suspect, wearing similar clothing to the man last seen rummaging through someone else’s car, used a technique that never gets old. We call it lying.
“. . . When the proceeds from the theft are recovered in one pocket and medicinal, calming herb (weed) is found in the other, always go with the ‘these are not my pants’ theme. No, I am not kidding. He told Rusby that the pants belonged to a friend.
“. . . The copious amount of coinage that was recovered from the ‘other guy’s pants’ seemed excessive. The suspect, who said his name was Joshua, (always go with a biblical character’s name first) told Rusby that he had recently purchased a soft drink from a local bodega. He said he received the coins as change from the transaction.
“Rusby felt that the gold collectible coin, emblazoned with Ronald Reagan’s name, would not typically come back as change at a convenience store. ‘Joshua’ said that the coin was a family heirloom that has been passed down for generations. Rusby wondered why the coin was in the pocket of someone else’s trousers.
“After further questioning, the man was found to be named Justin. Justin had bail conditions from previous interaction(s) with law enforcement.
“. . . Justin was charged with burglary to a motor vehicle, theft, and violation of bail conditions. He swore that he had seen the individual(s) the officers had been looking for. He said he heard them running in the other direction while he wandered in the park. Of course you did, Justin. Of course you did.”
Cotton then offered TC’s Criminal Tip of The Week: “When giving a false name to the police, work on your delivery. Come up with a great name and stick with it. Commitment and creativity really do count. A foreign name is more difficult for us to confirm. Go with Vladimir or General Tso. Themes are good. Maybe from movies or television programs. Try Sheldon, Oscar, Laverne or Shirley. Do not go with, Squiggy. We would be able to tell you were screwing with us.”
This weekend, the BPD Facebook page began with a personal message to a shoplifter: “Dear Easily Identifiable Man (EIM) in blue shirt. You forgot to pay at Walmart. Let’s work this out.”
You can read the rest, and continue to follow the news from Bangor, at www.facebook.com/bangormainepolice.
You should also note the wonderful way Cotton ends every post: “Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone and be kind to one another.
“We will be here.”
